Bountiful Bite: Squirrelly Situation

Burrowhampton, MA - This picturesque New England college down is being called the "unhealthiest town for squirrels" after a group of sophomores recovering from a post-midterm party, observed an inordinate number of fat, er, "borderline obese" squirrels outside the dorm.

It appears that the prevalence of park side fast-nut restaurants is contributing to the obesity problem. The acorns in these establishments are injected with salt water, which these hungry rodents digest faster than normal, causing them to eat more of it. The high salt content is being called "the Silent Squirrel Killer". As the numbers of obese squirrels rises, the number of their lithe, furry brothers able to climb large oak trees is rapidly declining.

Dr. McGregor, DVM, of the Center for Squirrel Disease Control (and formerly Peter Rabbit's nemesis), told the Bountiful Bite "Squirrel obesity is a serious threat and could cost our public health system millions of dollars as the boomer squirrels age."

Although the furry climbers' optimal diet includes plenty of fresh apple and mushrooms, the average squirrel today eats only one serving per week! Mothers are decrying cashew vending machines in local squirrel schools. They say these high-fat nuts have little nutritional value (where squirrels are concerned) and are a poor substitute for good, healthy, hand-picked acorns.

Is there hope on the horizon? Tom and Jerry's, Inc. has just announced a nationwide initiative to give free hamster wheels to the first hundred squirrel councils that apply. A combination of more exercise and better nutritional information could "crack the shell" on the nation's latest public health concern.